Good news… I did get called back to work after being laid off for a month-although, Illinois still hasn’t passed a budget…I also had an interview at another possible job…. Two positives 🙂
In other news…. I still feel- conflicted. While I will be somewhat back to my “regularly scheduled program,” (work, newspaper meetings, church work and then usually: Friday-Sunday: off), I still can’t help feeling stuck. I am not sure if it has something to do with starting over again or just wondering where the heck my life is going. It has been close to a year since I’ve been on my own, and I’ve made some new friends, got back into some of my old hobbies and have finally told some close friends and family about my new living situation….
But I still feel stuck… and that something is missing. I don’t know if it is from not having a schedule or a family to feed or a messier house to clean? (the only people I clean up after now is pretty much me -My daughter is pretty clean when she comes to visit-so no problem there either)…I am not sure what it is exactly. I don’t miss the environment I lived in, but there are some days, I feel disoriented…. Almost like I have stepped into some other realm of reality. I don’t know if that is what it feels like to start over? I also question-why do I feel this now- almost a year later?
The first few months, it was finding another place to get settled and I adjusted somewhat okay. But as I make new friends and find new things, it seems like an entirely different world to me… and then ….comes the disorientation. It is another whole section of my “Life on Pause.”
For others who have started over, I’d like to know if they have felt the same disorientation? I just would like to know, what is normal in this case? I am sure everybody’s experiences are different. We are all learning different lessons. I am still trying to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning here….
While I do feel disorientation- I don’t have complaints. I have a great job that I love very much (I do like to help others), but the downside is- I could be laid off again very soon. I get to write for a local newspaper- which I have always loved and wanted to do. While I am not a famous author-I have published a few books. I get to help churches. I love my friends. I love my family. And I adore my new smaller place along with my relaxing room with pretty aura-like lights.
But in my heart, something eats at me sometimes, and it bothers me. I’ll drown it out with music, a bike ride, walk or writing a poem of some sorts… But the feeling always comes back.
Don’t get me wrong, I am less stressed and happy for the most part. I just wish I could feel normal again about my life and that perhaps I just wasn’t stuck somewhere…. And I wish I wouldn’t worry so much about what other people are saying behind my back….or what other people think–about the decisions that I have made…Because I do know I have lost a few friends here and there because of it….. But that is a whole other story.
Perhaps, in some way, while I feel I have made the right decision – I am still looking for validation from others? …or is it , that I need to escape completely out of an old town with old memories- so that I can truly- start over? I wish I knew how to stop…the disorientation…