Life on Pause: Joy to the World



Halloween has come and gone… The turkey has been ate and the leftovers have been fixed… So what comes  next? …Mistletoe and holly… Christmas spirit and silent nights… The holidays are upon us…again.

Every year, as I get older, Christmas gets a little harder… The roughest Christmas was the first one after I lost my grandmother–well no, there was one before that too, but it was when I was a child. – That was a terrible year with too much family drama… Twas once a holiday time, there was a broken family with broken hearts… And since then… I’ve tried to move on…

…and 6 years ago, I lost one of my best friends…Someone I looked up to, someone I admired -a woman who was  talented and filled with so much love and so many stories… My world was torn for a little while. That Christmas was hard without her… Christmas was centered at her house for so many years. She always made it special. I miss her so much every year.  My grandmother was awesome….

And again… I tried to move on..and keep her in my heart… and again Christmas got messed up again… Let’s say I took part in that scene this time. I uprooted my life around the holidays last year- but spent one last holiday with that chapter- one last chapter…. Because I felt bad for what was happening. And now this year, it’s a new one. A new chapter, a new holiday….surrounded by new people who are now in my life. So much has changed…

I don’t know how to act around the holidays anymore…They keep changing…. Life keeps changing…. I .. keep changing- trying to become better, and be the best person that I can be.

Not only do memories attach themselves to my mind during the holiday, but the commercialism of it all really drags me down. All I want for Christmas is to be healthy, to be surrounded by those who love me – and to be free….. Be free of the horrific darkness that creeps up on me during the holidays, be free of the sadness that sneaks into my heart and to make new memories… Make good Christmas memories.  I know there used to be some years ago -I know they exist…. I could tell them to you…but they are buried in so much sadness….  I miss those who have gone before me, I miss and feel guilty about past decisions still…. and I wish people would stop WANTING and start GIVING…. All I want for Christmas is LOVE…. The real kind of LOVE that doesn’t involve materialism… selfishness…. I want people to feel WHOLE again….

As corny as it sounds… I want peace on Earth…. and peace in my heart…

That’s all I want for Christmas…..

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