Life on Pause: Checking in, after checking out.


Healing is hard.I guess nobody never said it would be easy…. 

After much restrospection, talking it out and rearranging my life – I feel like I have finally begun to “check-in,” again. For so long, I spent so much time living on eggshells, worrying about if I was going to make someone mad, trying to be a good housewife – and trying to avoid getting yelled at – I lost sense of who I was… I almost forgot what types of things I liked , or what I needed to make myself happy. In an odd sense, I feel like I am picking back up that person I was nearly almost 16 years ago…

And no – I am not suffering from some type of personality disorder. I am merely trying to heal from years of emotional and mental trauma… I am now learning how to feel, build better self-esteem, communicate better with others who are close to me and trying not to be constantly on edge…

I’ve been living a good portion of my life (10+ years), always on alert. It is exhausting being on alert all the time…My mind spends time searching for a specific car everytime I go out on a walk or am out in my area…. I worry that I might hear a loud honk noise that will startle me – I worry about running into a certain person …. The only time I have found that I can relax is if I am in a different town, writing and listening to music or tucked away in nature somewhere…. I wish that I could stop being on alert and stop worrying – but – my mind won’t let me …

And then – I worry if I am good enough.. or if I will make that next person mad….When someone calls me by name from another room – my automatic response is – “what have I done wrong now?” …. I wish I could stop thinking that.

I WISH I could feel normal … what is normal

After studying photos from different time periods – especially those difficult ones – I am finding that I have lost time…I don’t connect with the photos.. Do you know how unerving that is? I can’t remember parts of my life…. And my mind seems to focus on all of the trauma I went through – over….and over… I just want it to finally….be over.

I’ve left the trauma and it has been a year and half at least…. I am away from anyone that can hurt me… (even if I am still in the same town), but my memories continue to remind me just exactly what I’ve been through…

I never realized just how hard it is – after “checking back in”…. Especially when you never realized you checked out in the first place…. And you also realize just how unfair it was that you endured this battle – because you ask the question.. “Why me?”

The only thing I have now – is the present. And to remind myself – that I am safe. I do not need to endure the pain anymore. I am constantly surrounding positive people around me – they won’t hurt me…I have to remind myself that every day…. The past cannot hurt me – no matter how much those memories creep in….

..and one more thing….

I have PTSD…… And it too – will become the past… it won’t become me.  Life is too precious… and beautiful. And there’s too many things I still have yet to do…Every day is a battle with my memories….hopefully one day – I will have so many positive memories – they will stomp those ones that haunt me when I least expect it….




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