Life on Pause: Checking in, after checking out.

Posted: June 27, 2016 in Life on pause, Web Content

PAUSE

Healing is hard.I guess nobody never said it would be easy…. 

After much restrospection, talking it out and rearranging my life – I feel like I have finally begun to “check-in,” again. For so long, I spent so much time living on eggshells, worrying about if I was going to make someone mad, trying to be a good housewife – and trying to avoid getting yelled at – I lost sense of who I was… I almost forgot what types of things I liked , or what I needed to make myself happy. In an odd sense, I feel like I am picking back up that person I was nearly almost 16 years ago…

And no – I am not suffering from some type of personality disorder. I am merely trying to heal from years of emotional and mental trauma… I am now learning how to feel, build better self-esteem, communicate better with others who are close to me and trying not to be constantly on edge…

I’ve been living a good portion of my life (10+ years), always on alert. It is exhausting being on alert all the time…My mind spends time searching for a specific car everytime I go out on a walk or am out in my area…. I worry that I might hear a loud honk noise that will startle me – I worry about running into a certain person …. The only time I have found that I can relax is if I am in a different town, writing and listening to music or tucked away in nature somewhere…. I wish that I could stop being on alert and stop worrying – but – my mind won’t let me …

And then – I worry if I am good enough.. or if I will make that next person mad….When someone calls me by name from another room – my automatic response is – “what have I done wrong now?” …. I wish I could stop thinking that.

I WISH I could feel normal … what is normal

After studying photos from different time periods – especially those difficult ones – I am finding that I have lost time…I don’t connect with the photos.. Do you know how unerving that is? I can’t remember parts of my life…. And my mind seems to focus on all of the trauma I went through – over….and over… I just want it to finally….be over.

I’ve left the trauma and it has been a year and half at least…. I am away from anyone that can hurt me… (even if I am still in the same town), but my memories continue to remind me just exactly what I’ve been through…

I never realized just how hard it is – after “checking back in”…. Especially when you never realized you checked out in the first place…. And you also realize just how unfair it was that you endured this battle – because you ask the question.. “Why me?”

The only thing I have now – is the present. And to remind myself – that I am safe. I do not need to endure the pain anymore. I am constantly surrounding positive people around me – they won’t hurt me…I have to remind myself that every day…. The past cannot hurt me – no matter how much those memories creep in….

..and one more thing….

I have PTSD…… And it too – will become the past… it won’t become me.  Life is too precious… and beautiful. And there’s too many things I still have yet to do…Every day is a battle with my memories….hopefully one day – I will have so many positive memories – they will stomp those ones that haunt me when I least expect it….

ptsd

 

 

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