Life on Pause: Not quite yet…


So, I entered a courtroom for the first time in my life yesterday for the big hearing…. but as much as I would like to say things were solved….they weren’t. Certain things that were supposed to be filed by the other party, did not get filed (which included a mutal agreement) and when I thought a custody visitation arrangement had been agreed upon – apparently – on his side – it wasn’t…Which caused a delay. He sat there and acted like he didn’t know much – as if it was the first time he was seeing and hearing it… He even took moments to consider if a signature was indeed his – ….. I was reeling inside because he knew he had signed it. ….I guess this way, he still felt like he was in control.

…. Illinois is a no fault state – which means it does not matter why a person left. So even though I left a bad situation that was putting me in harm’s way, the judge informed me that I would have to pay child support. I just don’t understand that. If you leave a situation where you are getting hurt – whether it be physical, verbal or emotional – I would think they should have to take that into consideration. I don’t think you should have to be punished. It isn’t fair. Now I understand why so many of those who are abused continue to stay in the household- they not only fear their abuser – but also the financial state they could find themselves in. This world truly needs some repairs…

And – if many are wondering if I left my daughter on that horrible evening – no. I did not. She was staying all night at a friend’s house the night I was shoved into a wall. She wasn’t home. I contacted her to tell her what I was doing, and she decided to stay with her friend that evening. I told her my father and I would be there to pick her up the next day. But the next day, she had already went back home. She decides to stay with her father for now because that is where her home is….

So in the way court turned out yesterday, this leaves me to have patience, do more research – and try again. I don’t have plans to really marry again, so there isn’t really a rush… Sadly, the whole marriage thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I am happy for those couples who it works for and are thriving, but -it just isn’t in the cards for me at this time in my life. I saw the bad side of what marriage can do. The most I would consider is possibly a civil union just for legal purposes for insurance and the ability to see a loved one in a hospital should they get incredibly ill …

I am  trying to see the positive side of this. That perhaps, certain things didn’t happen, so I wouldn’t have to pay child support right away. Everything happens for a reason and this could be a blessing in disguise. And in my heart, I know God has a plan for the reason the way things happened yeseterday. When things are the way they are meant to be, that is when everything will be final…. So – I must be patient…

Better a patient person than a warrior,
one with self-control than one who takes a city.” – Proverbs 16:32



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