Life on Pause: Hidden Memories


Facebook history can sometimes be fun, useful and nice to look back on… Then there are other times, it makes things…kind of difficult- especially if your life really took some different turns in the last few years…

Before you read on, (and if you haven’t already been keeping up with my “Life on Pause” series), you might need to know a few things….. #1. I have PTSD and #2…some issues with Dissociative Amnesia which have both been diagnosed by my counselor. I had endured emotional and verbal abuse for a number of years, and now – I am left with the “after-thoughts…” Fun stuff.

So – now with that explanation taken care of, I’ll continue on. Facebook history. With my ongoing issues with dissociative amnesia, it can screw with me… A photo of me pops up from say – 4 years ago… I have no recollection. And it is so frustrating. To me-it feels like it was somebody else- another person. And I realize how crazy it sounds. All I know is that -in the photo – I look tired and I look old.

Very gradually, bits and pieces of memories are trying to work their way in…I’ve read and learned that when a person has been through trauma, the memories are still there- they are just deeply buried. Sometimes they come back – sometimes they don’t….. But I can’t shake the feeling, that several old photos of myself feel like someone else…And it makes me feel incredibly crazy. But my counselor tells me….It is normal…..okay-I guess I’ll take her word for it.

I often feel that I should stop clicking on Facebook history when it pops up- because of instances such as these. When I don’t remember something – it disturbs me for days. It reminds me of everything I went through. So I try to remember- how far I have come too. I don’t feel tired anymore. I love the things in my life now. All I want – is to heal completely and to stop feeling like I am crazy in these type of moments….

All I want….are good memories….


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