Bless me….”Life on Pause” blog, for it has been awhile since my last post. I’ve been busy with life things, pursuing interests and working.
Everything may come to a close next month. A little over two years later, there might be some closure. Closure on the outside, but not quite on the inside. My mind still likes to stay busy reliving moments and hashing out memories. I am hoping that somehow, this closure will supplement in some helping way to slow down or stop the rehashing and remembering all the things that make me angry or sad.
In the last couple of years, I have had to relearn how to live parts of my life. Psychologically, I was trained to respond certain ways in a variety of situations. It was all I had known how to do. I learned how to shut down, not stand up for myself, be on alert and to not create conflict.(conflict was only created when every last button of mine had been pushed – and then someone lit the explosive…. Then I would become somebody that i absolutely hated – all because I was trying to protect myself…)
I also became a great actress on the stage of life. I learned how to smile – even when I was sad. I learned how to keep a straight poker face- even when my world around me felt like it was falling apart. I learned how to do so many things wrong – but it was all that I knew. I have been in survival mode for so many years…
And now, I still remain on high alert. I feel guilty when housework isn’t done or I take time to relax to enjoy my favorite shows… My mind keeps telling me that I need to get things done – or I’ll hear about it later (but then I have to convince myself – I’m not living in that environment.) I worry that at any moment – this new more peaceful life – will be taken away from me… I worry that all those that I love will disappear… I worry that people may not like me anymore – because of the past decisions that I made….
I still worry that the person I am with now- will shout at me at any given moment. He will get mad at me or call me a name- even though deep down – I know he isn’t a mean person. It has been two years – he hasn’t yelled at me or called me a name yet….But yet – I keep waiting. I keep waiting for that worst possible moment… (even though deep down – somewhere – I know that I am safe)…
Although – on a positive note, I have learned to communicate somewhat better. I used to shut down when I was afraid to say things. I used to shut down to avoid a disagreement. But now, I am talking more and opening up more. Talking more has allowed me to learn more about myself and others… I have learned to ask questions….Nobody has told me that I am stupid for doing so.
I am not sad or angry with what happened in my past. If anything, it has taught me a lot. It has taught me what I don’t want in life …. and it has taught me how to learn to forgive…and move on….I have learned life isn’t always perfect…Life is all about learning actually.
We have to learn from our past and walk through the doors that God opens for us. I’ve also learned that sometimes people are removed from your life, because at that moment in time, they may not be a part of God’s plan for you. Sometimes God closes doors – to open new ones.
People are in your life for various amounts of time… Some are there for a lifetime, some just a few years, months, weeks or maybe just a day….The people we come across in life are sometimes here to teach us a lesson….
I still have plenty of healing to do…. I deal with some anxiety and different triggers throughout the week on occasion…I do my best to stay busy, stay focused and to keep living in the present-even when my mind wants to wander into the past….
But…soon..another door will be closing. And I will wonder – what does God have in store for me next?