…It is amazing just how many ridiculous things I have forgotten from my previous relationship until a trigger or memory brings up something.. When you are in the midst of trauma – you don’t realize how bad the situation is – or exactly what is going on – because to you – It is your normal – you know no different…(sad, but true).
Tonight, I had another one of those memories… I have been participating in a Lenten study at a church in my area, and we have been discussing the last 24 hours of Jesus’s life and all that he endured… Tonight we were at the scene where Jesus had to carry his cross, and was flogged and humiliated… A question was asked if any of us had seen, “Passion of the Christ.” … I was the only one who had. But it wasn’t by choice. I was forced to go see it – because if I hadn’t seen it – then according to my then spouse – I wasn’t a real Christian.
See – at that time- I felt the need to prove that I was a Christian. My commitment and dedication to Christ was constantly questioned. At that time, I was told – that I “needed” to see Passion of the Christ – to see what Jesus endured for us. I was well aware what Jesus endured – and for that – I am quite thankful – …Jesus was a humble teacher who loved everyone – he sacrificed himself for us… I am well aware…. But I was told that I needed to see this movie. I sat in the very front row….and winced during the scene of his flogging – I tried to turn away – the scene broke my heart to its core… As I began to turn away … I was told..”You need to see this! – why are you looking away?!” …. I was told that I was weak for looking away….
Seeing such a scene was horrific. I am a very empathetic person… So – this was just way more than your normal “double whammy…”
It seemed like my faith was constantly on the line and in question…
… It’s too bad it has taken me this long to learn – that I don’t need to prove my faith to anyone. Honestly – my faith – that is between God and I…. I know where I stand… He knows where I stand. That is all that matters. And in this world – we are to be humble and not to brag about the good deeds that we do…. Sure we want to share the love that we have for Jesus – but there is no need to prove it…And if you are married to someone who constantly questions your faith – then is that relationship really good for your spirit or soul?