It has been a bit since I have posted to this particular blog series…I’ve been busy with life things: work, trying to relax, scheduling events to promote my book, finishing other poetry collections, creating postcards to sell in a nearby store ….and…trying to live in the present….that is what most PTSD survivors spend every day trying to do…and evidently – I have been somewhat successful.
At my most recent session with my counselor, she decided we could start moving our sessions to every other week instead of weekly – “Congratulations!” she says… I know this is a good thing but a part of me feels somewhat uncertain… She says it is kind of like graduation….and they try not to get clients to use counseling as a “habit.”…. So, honestly, yes, I am a little uncertain because it has been a pretty regular thing for quite awhile (although, there has been a few times, I went two weeks without a session – and I survived)… I need to learn this little thing called…”Faith.” I need to have “Faith” in myself again…Maybe this is where I learn it.
While I am busy trying to move on and make plans for the future, I can’t say that every day for me is a piece of cake… Silly me – Since I thought I was moving to do my sessions every other week now – maybe I was strong enough to look through old past photos…. Most people, when they leave a relationship -I notice how they remove those photos. Well I kept mine in my profile and in storage. Those memories are a part of me and a part of my life- even if I delete those photos – that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist….
I tried going back 9 or 10 years ago and looking through those memories and photos and it was very difficult….Deep down, I still sometimes blame myself for what happened and the break-down of our family and I am still searching for forgiveness… Maybe it is just that I need to forgive myself. But… I am not strong enough to take that trip down memory lane….not yet….But I am strong enough to deal with the “normal things” in life right now… Which is what my counselor told me I was doing… I am close to “normal”…But in my world – nothing is normal…. And I am definitely not “normal.” I thrive to be unique…always have….
So…for now… I will deal with the “normal things.” And see how I deal with this new schedule…Maybe it’s a good thing – I just need to have faith.