….I am not a person who likes to give in…and finally ask (or whine) “Why me?”….For me to do so – I have to be in a lot of pain…or extremely frustrated. If my situation doesn’t seem to be going well – I try to remember – there is always somebody who could be hurting much worse than me or in a less desirable situation….But – sometimes – having that strength can be really hard to keep going….Sometimes, I too fall….and have to ask that big guy upstairs….”Why me?!”
I’ve been dealing with yet another health issue (on top of the ones I already deal with: IBS, Diverticulitis, Asthma, Diabetes and PTSD)… Thankfully – most of those are being controlled and I don’t experience a lot of issues with them….I have an occasional flair up with IBS and Diverticulitis and my Diabetes is presently controlled… After a couple years of counseling, I understand PTSD – and that too – has become better managed and I understand triggers….
Now, I deal with something else….(which I may have already mentioned)…Interstitial Cystitis. It is basically an irritated lining of your bladder which can feel like a really awful bladder infection if left untreated. You have to avoid acidic foods and drinks … I have only been able to drink water, milk and blueberry smoothies…and an occasional decaffeinated peppermint or vanilla flavored tea, etc… I even had to give up chocolate.. (so hard to do!)… But I had been doing well. I’ve been receiving treatments and also was given a medication…. until…just a couple days ago…
I got so tired of drinking water, milk…and even my smoothies….I really craved some sparkling water.. (which was carbonated)… well… yes – I was weak…and I had a small can and now I regret every moment of it….I only had a small amount of pain…. and I thought that was it… Well – I also was stressing over a few other things in my life. And – I found out that carbonated water and stress…did not like my bladder. So I awoke this morning (Friday) in agonizing burning horrendous pain…. I had plans to go swimming today… to enjoy the weather outdoors. All of that changed the moment I opened my eyes. So, I lay in bed most of the morning, contemplating if things were important enough to get out bed because it hurt too bad to walk…And in that moment, I had to ask…”Why me?”
I understand everyone has things they go through in life, but in my weakest moments, I have to wonder and ask – ‘Why do I have to endure this pain? Haven’t I been through enough?!.”… And it is so easy to wonder if you are being punished… But I have to remember – we do have a loving God – and so surely – he does not want me- (or anyone else) to hurt…. But I have to wonder… What is the meaning of all this when you look at the larger picture? (And then I tell myself – “Buck up! …there are people with cancer, fibromyalgia, lupus and so many other worse things.” And then I also say – I am also alive! …. even through gritted teeth, I must be thankful for the things right in front of me….
As my day continues, I get out of bed finally… get dressed, and move to the couch, where I stay most of the afternoon… But I did get out of bed…And by evening, I felt okay enough to go out to eat with my bf to somewhere that cooked some delicious home-cooked food – had nice waitresses and it was a quiet family restaurant…. That did feel good after being in pain all day…
And by evening, some pain still lingers, and I only pray that I will feel good enough to rise in the morning to face my day… I am determined not to allow such things to get me down… I may ask and retaliate–and whine…”WHY ME?!”…and have my weaker moments…And I may not understand the larger picture right now. But one day – maybe I will….. I feel like my entire lifetime has been one huge test of how much pain can I actually endure? ….but I continue my fight to stay positive and remember – there are so many others out there who are hurting…. and I am no more important than they are…
Ariana R. Cherry: Poet & Artist 