Life on Pause: half step back

I’m only taking a half step back today…not a full step back…

Some days I feel like I’m doing really well and then there’s days I’m faced with a trigger and it really messes with my mindset for the rest of the day…or even the next few days. I can ignore the issue for awhile, but it comes right back, waving it’s hand in my face…

I hate PTSD.

It makes me doubt myself.

I over analyze.

I’m on the verge of tears…

Because of one small thing…

One trigger…

And I get so angry with myself.

…It’s been almost four years! …Things from the past still haunt me. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be normal or be able to handle the emotions in my mind…

Today, someone got really angry with me. I tried to be strong. But they kept pushing…and pushing. And I apologized. And apologized…but I kept feeling more like nothing. Like I wasn’t good enough…I was small all over again….it was like he was yelling at me again…..and then the tears started….and started to fall. and I tried so hard to not let them fall…but they did. Once again-I was weak…

And then a little later, I got angry…When will I be strong enough to face criticism ? When will I be able to handle someone being angry with me in a proper way…instead of breaking down? I am sure there will be other times. This will not be the only time…I can’t cry and feel so pathetic and small every time something gets said…but, it feels exactly how he used to talk to me…Why doesn’t my mind know the difference?

When…will I ever feel normal again?

Half a step back. Just a half step.

…My mind can be a war zone, but I will not take a full step back in these combat boots. Just one half step back…and breathe.

Perhaps…there’s a poem to be written from this half defeat that will conquer this battle.

I hate PTSD.

And it hates me.

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