Life on Pause: I’ve been keeping quiet about something…

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I’ve had some weird things happen in the last few weeks…. Although, I can’t go into a lot of detail….but they are indeed things that have troubled me….And when I am kind of lost in my own thoughts, I retreat to my place of safety – and that is …art…or anything creative for that matter. Along with art, I lose myself in music….the two just mesh together.

….I feel like I have had to keep quiet to protect others…. But the incident troubles me and it has put a dent in the way that I trust others….especially men. (sorry guys)…

I have spent so much time trying to recover from at least a decade of a troublesome relationship…And I’ve come a long way…but for some reason – this event happened. And I am not sure why. I feel like it it another lesson I am supposed to learn … I haven’t quite figured out this part of my journey yet….

While I was not hurt physically, I was indeed scared and my guards were down. In this world, it is so hard to be a female. And it is not fair. What I am about to describe – I am sure happens to males too, but – I just feel like, there are guys who think they can just say or do whatever they want to women whenever they want….. And it is not right.

….I was approached by someone that I have known of for quite some time. And I did not see it coming. And I am so mad at myself for letting my guard down….for being trusting and for finally feeling safe….Apparently – I need to build those guards back up….

I was in a town, in a store, owned by this person I knew. He wanted to show me a piano that was in his store…. I agreed, unknowingly – to go see it. I never felt like there was a reason to be cautious… So, I went to go see it and I was playing a few notes on it, checking it out…. Unexpectedly, he comes behind me and starts to rub my shoulders…. And he asks me…”Will this make you play better?“…

I freeze….Trying to comprehend what is happening. I am scared. I am disappointed…I trusted this person! …. I quickly back off and start to ramble how the piano needs a sustain peddle and how it might sell better with a peddle… Then I ask him how his wife is doing (he is married!)…. The bell goes off on his door and he heads back to check for customers….I follow, ready to leave…. He tries to apologize, saying he is sorry he made me feel uncomfortable…. But then – he goes on to tell me how he has always thought I was cute.. and then says to me….. “I’ve always wanted to touch you.” ….. Thankfully people come into the store….I am flabbergasted….speechless and finally leave.

I have spoke about this situation with my therapist and a few close friends, but it still bothers me. I cannot tell many people …. it is a delicate situation where I do not want others to get hurt. And after-all – it is my word against his. There are no witnesses. Now, I am afraid to be alone with many other guys (especially older ones)… I am questioning people that I once trusted… their intentions…. I don’t want to have to do that. I shouldn’t have to not feel safe.

Not even hardly a week later, a situation came up in my place of work where I had to help a transient – and I am really worried about the impact it might have had in how I tried to help him…. Given I cannot go into much detail of this situation because of privacy reasons, but – I was really on edge the entire time the person who needed help was around and feared that such a situation could happen again….

…I’ve been keeping quiet about this and putting on a brave face- pretending nothing happened. I’ve even tried to forget about it… And I know it was just one small event – but it was one event where my judgement was clouded….

I do want to say a few things though … ANd I want guys (who are like him) out there to know   … You can’t just walk up to a woman and touch her! – without her permission – that is not right. It is very invasive…. It is wrong. And you cannot say inappropriate things to people. It is very disrespectful. Hold your tongue!

A female should not have to have walls up every where she goes…. It is not fair. And just because we don’t have a ring on our finger- does not make us available….

…and it is not fair..when things happen behind closed doors -and there are no other witnesses ….it is only your word against theirs….. I really do not want to have to learn the lesson…”You can not trust anybody.” …. I’d really like to know what lesson it was that I was supposed to learn here…..It still haunts me…. even a few weeks later.

 

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