What Now? (Trying to figure out life’s purposes and reason for pains)

 

woman-2609115_1920…Scrolling through all of the “diagnoses” through my patient portal account on the hospital network that I use, I sigh… and think back to each time, I was told that there was another thing I’d have to add to my list to “deal with.”

…Now before I begin – I am not trying to play the “why me?” victim card and I am not looking for sympathy. I am merely just – thinking and…. trying to figure out – what is the role or purpose of all of these “diagnoses” that we have in our lives… I am really pondering on this topic…. Because, now – it is starting to bug me a bit.

….I realize all of us have battles in our lives. We all have lived through twists and paths throughout our journey. My life sure hasn’t been a cake-walk, but I try to seek out the positive things among all the negative experiences….  My road map has been bumpy here and there …. My childhood was lived under a strict household (but that made me the better person that I am today I like to think), my teenage years were very stressful -I won’t go into full blown details, but I spent about all four years of high school in counseling because things at home weren’t exactly fun, my first year at college was a big eye opener to the “real world” – but I made some good friends and soon after starting college, I married into what would be a very stressful difficult relationship…

…. Today – I am no longer in that marriage or that “scared child” I used to be – but… now – it is like my body is finally reacting to all of those bumps I had in the road… I was tense for so long…and now… everything is being released through these… “diagnoses…”

…. So, here I am… looking through my “patient profile.” I read through the “Problems List” as they call it…

  • Asthma
  • Overactive Bladder
  • Diabetes
  • Diverticulitis
  • Hx of Cystisis
  • IBS(irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Pain (back, leg and neck)

Just as recent, the Cystitis and pain started. Last year I was diagnosis with Interstitial Cystitis and for over a month, I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad pain and I’ve been back and forth between appointments at the hospital and my primary doctor. As I read on my latest report from the Pain Clinic – they are calling it Myofacial Pain. The doctors at the pain clinic are suspecting Fibromyalgia. It is funny – spell check tries to change that to “nostalgia.” …. Thinking back as when I was told I had each of these “problems,” it certainly does bring back nostalgia.

I am trying so hard to just get through it and not complain. I hear of people battling Cancer and so many other diseases every day… And I tell myself – I can get through this if they can get through their difficult days… I can’t imagine what Cancer pain feels like…

But right now, I am finding even that difficult. I keep speaking with God, trying to ask him – so…..”What now? What is the purpose behind this one?”  Someone told me once – “Well if it wasn’t you – then it would have to be someone else handling it – so – then  – why not you? …. ” So – does that mean I am supposed to take on all of these little ailments ?….

I am someone who likes to stay busy. I always have art projects, writing projects…. craft projects… taking photos…. I love to walk… I love to be out in nature. ….I don’t like to be kept down. I am very motivated…. I am driven to do the things that I love.

Then I wonder – is this some sort of huge call from God to tell me to slow down? …..Are these “problems” literally to get me to slow down? because – I do slow down. I walk – I admire nature…. I see the beauty… I photograph it… I write about it…..

What is the purpose behind all of these “ailments?” ….Since leaving my ex-spouse about 4 years ago, 5 of these ailments crept up on me. I had already developed IBS and diverticulitis while I had been with the ex. At that time, I had been prediabetic but not developed full blown diabetes yet…

I don’t think these (I hope that they aren’t) are punishments for making the decisions that I have made in the past…. And I don’t think God punishes people… But I do think he tests people… Is this some sort of test to see how much I can handle? How strong I can be? Because – I’ve had enough tests…. I’ve been through emotional and mental anguish… and now…well..the physical is starting to wear on me too…

….All I know…is that physical pain is not fun… And I am not sure what is worse? Mental pain or physical pain? …. And all that I have on my mind now is .. is that I have to figure out how to deal with this now, for the rest of my life. I pretty much have the other ones under control… (for the most part )… But I don’t understand the purpose for this physical pain?

Why does God continue to put pain in our lives? Whether it be mental or physical? … Does anyone have any answers  ? … My “problem list” is growing rather long….I don’t need any more tests on how much stronger can I be…. Because right now… this test…. is testing me….

Published by Ariana R. Cherry

“Within the depths of our mind, we are battling the duel of light and darkness…good and evil…love and hate…” Between Light and Darkness is Ariana’s most recent collection of poetry… Cherry’s frequent message she delivers throughout her work is, “The journey through the darkness, back into the light.” Her hope is to let others know that they won’t be in that place of darkness for long – that they indeed can reach the light once again…She also wants her readers to know – that – it is okay if they find themselves in that bleak blackness…Sometimes we feel guilty for going to that dark place – but it is necessary to conquer the demons that battle our souls…. Other books that Cherry has written include "Only If" and "Twisted Paths Poetry." Her epic tale, “Only If,” won the “Reader’s Favorite Award” and a 5 star review…and her collection, “Twisted Paths Poetry,” received a 5 star review from Realistic Poetry International. She has been writing ever since she was a child. Some of her inspirations include Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, Stephen King, Emily Dickinson, Christopher Pike and Shel Silverstein. Ariana writes a variety of genres: inspirational, humorous and horror – although writing horror is one of her favorites…. She was 12 years old when she read Poe for the very first time – which inspired her epic poetry tale, “Only If.“ During other parts of her free time, she enjoys taking photos and creating art. Her “day-jobs” include working as a church administrative aide and reporting for a local newspaper.

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