What Now? (Trying to figure out life’s purposes and reason for pains)


woman-2609115_1920…Scrolling through all of the “diagnoses” through my patient portal account on the hospital network that I use, I sigh… and think back to each time, I was told that there was another thing I’d have to add to my list to “deal with.”

…Now before I begin – I am not trying to play the “why me?” victim card and I am not looking for sympathy. I am merely just – thinking and…. trying to figure out – what is the role or purpose of all of these “diagnoses” that we have in our lives… I am really pondering on this topic…. Because, now – it is starting to bug me a bit.

….I realize all of us have battles in our lives. We all have lived through twists and paths throughout our journey. My life sure hasn’t been a cake-walk, but I try to seek out the positive things among all the negative experiences….  My road map has been bumpy here and there …. My childhood was lived under a strict household (but that made me the better person that I am today I like to think), my teenage years were very stressful -I won’t go into full blown details, but I spent about all four years of high school in counseling because things at home weren’t exactly fun, my first year at college was a big eye opener to the “real world” – but I made some good friends and soon after starting college, I married into what would be a very stressful difficult relationship…

…. Today – I am no longer in that marriage or that “scared child” I used to be – but… now – it is like my body is finally reacting to all of those bumps I had in the road… I was tense for so long…and now… everything is being released through these… “diagnoses…”

…. So, here I am… looking through my “patient profile.” I read through the “Problems List” as they call it…

  • Asthma
  • Overactive Bladder
  • Diabetes
  • Diverticulitis
  • Hx of Cystisis
  • IBS(irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Pain (back, leg and neck)

Just as recent, the Cystitis and pain started. Last year I was diagnosis with Interstitial Cystitis and for over a month, I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad pain and I’ve been back and forth between appointments at the hospital and my primary doctor. As I read on my latest report from the Pain Clinic – they are calling it Myofacial Pain. The doctors at the pain clinic are suspecting Fibromyalgia. It is funny – spell check tries to change that to “nostalgia.” …. Thinking back as when I was told I had each of these “problems,” it certainly does bring back nostalgia.

I am trying so hard to just get through it and not complain. I hear of people battling Cancer and so many other diseases every day… And I tell myself – I can get through this if they can get through their difficult days… I can’t imagine what Cancer pain feels like…

But right now, I am finding even that difficult. I keep speaking with God, trying to ask him – so…..”What now? What is the purpose behind this one?”  Someone told me once – “Well if it wasn’t you – then it would have to be someone else handling it – so – then  – why not you? …. ” So – does that mean I am supposed to take on all of these little ailments ?….

I am someone who likes to stay busy. I always have art projects, writing projects…. craft projects… taking photos…. I love to walk… I love to be out in nature. ….I don’t like to be kept down. I am very motivated…. I am driven to do the things that I love.

Then I wonder – is this some sort of huge call from God to tell me to slow down? …..Are these “problems” literally to get me to slow down? because – I do slow down. I walk – I admire nature…. I see the beauty… I photograph it… I write about it…..

What is the purpose behind all of these “ailments?” ….Since leaving my ex-spouse about 4 years ago, 5 of these ailments crept up on me. I had already developed IBS and diverticulitis while I had been with the ex. At that time, I had been prediabetic but not developed full blown diabetes yet…

I don’t think these (I hope that they aren’t) are punishments for making the decisions that I have made in the past…. And I don’t think God punishes people… But I do think he tests people… Is this some sort of test to see how much I can handle? How strong I can be? Because – I’ve had enough tests…. I’ve been through emotional and mental anguish… and now…well..the physical is starting to wear on me too…

….All I know…is that physical pain is not fun… And I am not sure what is worse? Mental pain or physical pain? …. And all that I have on my mind now is .. is that I have to figure out how to deal with this now, for the rest of my life. I pretty much have the other ones under control… (for the most part )… But I don’t understand the purpose for this physical pain?

Why does God continue to put pain in our lives? Whether it be mental or physical? … Does anyone have any answers  ? … My “problem list” is growing rather long….I don’t need any more tests on how much stronger can I be…. Because right now… this test…. is testing me….

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