I’ve always been unique…. And you may say that…”Well everyone is unique.” True. Everyone is different. If God made us all the same – it would be a very boring colorless world. But I am not talking about just being unique… I’m talking about always feeling like I just don’t quite fit in… perhaps I don’t measure up enough…or that I am odd… I am that nice sweet girl – but just… a bit different.
Perhaps, everybody feels like this now and then… We all have our moments. I think there are probably many who spend their lives trying to fit in . Or just pretend to anyway.
I think that being an artist and a writer has made me feel even more like a misfit. I march to the beat of my own drum… But – maybe I don’t want a drum to march to. Perhaps I want to march to something fun and light – less demanding. Like a flute… or piccolo. That is the rebel in me speaking.
…As a young child, I felt out of place with my peers. I often felt they were too immature… At recess, I wanted to go off by myself and just peer at nature or watch everyone else and try to figure out why so many kids ran around the yard and the blacktop often chasing after each other… or just running…after nothing. I tried it a few times but felt silly.
Sometimes a classmate would walk around the school yard with me and talk.. But I think I might have been a bit too deep for some of them. They didn’t come back to talk again at the next recess. I found myself talking to the teachers a lot instead… But then, sometimes I wondered if I was annoying them – being this young student bothering the teachers.
I remember spending the night with a friend at 10 years old – and for some reason, I felt compelled to ask her what she thought it was like when we die…. Yes, I was 10….I quickly realized this wasn’t “normal” slumber party talk. I didn’t get invited back again for a very long time.
As an adult, again, I sometimes feel lost. I am not quite sure how to explain it. I don’t have this desire that I need to fit in…. But I want to feel like a part of something – and to feel accepted… I want to make a difference… And sometimes, just when I start to feel like I might kind of belong – something is there to remind me – that I am not quite the fit for that either….
I just need to accept the fact, that even as an adult… I am a misfit. But I am a good misfit. I don’t need to rebel. But – I may find that I may have to very well, march in my own parade- alone.
Slowly but surely, I am beginning to accept the person that I am. I don’t quite identify with many people my own age…. I can have great conversations with people much older than me – but they are at different stages in their lives- even if I may get a long better with them… I have a few close friends who range in various age groups. And I am grateful for those friends…. Those friends never make me doubt myself or make me feel lonely… But even though – I do still feel lost at times.
It could be that I spend too much time in my head… I think I’ve had people tell me that I need to get out of my head… Well how the heck do you do that? I don’t think they realize that is where stories and art is made….
Again…perhaps I need to accept the fact that I will have my own individual parade, marching alone. I’ll never quite fit in with humanity. Yes – I realize that I am a human just as well…But… no matter how hard I’ve tried to become a part of something…it just doesn’t work out. I’m learning to be okay with that though….Solidarity isn’t always a bad thing.
In this life – I am on a solitary journey. I believe that I know and understand what my service or duty is while I am here in this life. I am doing my best to answer to that. In some instances, I may bring a few along for the ride – if they want to come along- but I know my destination.
In the end, I’ll meet everyone else at the finish line…. But for now, I shall remain a misfit standing on the sidelines. I may not be in the huddle or cheering from the bleachers, but, I’ll be passing by…. watching….waiting – and if you’re lucky – I might wave or smile…