Just a warning – I will be rambling on in this blog post… and maybe some of the things I say might weird people out …. or bore them…If you read on, perhaps you will find out which one of those you will agree with…
I spend a lot of time in my head. But – maybe that is what a lot of writers do. Or maybe… I am just weird. But, I feel like I can say what I want when I am in there. Sometimes when I try to convey my words out-loud – they can turn into a jumbled mess and it isn’t what I was completely thinking. I can’t just an invite a person and say – “Perhaps you should take a step inside my head – you’ll understand me better.”
Understanding…. I feel like a lot of people may not understand me. And that is probably my own fault. It takes awhile for me to let people in. I have trust issues. And I have confidence issues. I sometimes don’t trust people and I don’t trust that I might be interesting enough to know. Or – I fear – I may let a person in and later on – they will go screaming for the mountains.
I don’t fit in. I never have felt like I fit in here. I’ve tried to fit in when I was a kid – and I try to fit in as an adult. I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in. I’ve never been able to associate with people my own age. Sometimes I have better conversations with people who are 10 or 20 years older than me. In groups – I really feel like an outsider. Sometimes I worry the things I say are either too weird or just not on target with what is going on in the discussion. I try to really concentrate and feel like I could be part of things, but no matter where I go, I feel like an outsider. And this is nobody else’s fault. People can be quite kind and make me feel welcome. But, in the end, I feel like I could be on the other side of the glass- looking in… still trying to find the entrance that I came in from.
Many people annoy me. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. But ignorance and those who just care about STUFF and money…. FAME…I just don’t have time. Since the day I was born (and knew that I could live the majority of my life in my head), all I have ever wanted to do is inspire people. My goal was to never be rich or well -known. I am a private person and I do not want people trying to find out my business or if I have skeletons in my closet. If I have clothes on my back, a warm place to sleep, food to eat and a cat to snuggle-I am good. Materialism really bothers me. As for ignorance , I know some people have learning disabilities , and I really understand that. But when people choose ignorance-I don’t understand that at all.
My mind. Since I was a child, I’ve just had this little knowing inside of me. I’ve known what I wanted to do and why I was here. Nobody told me. I didn’t have to “try” other things to see what I liked. I’ve always known this world was much bigger. It is a quite vast universe and that this life – is more than what we see in front of us. And when I was a kid, I couldn’t talk about these such things with my peers. And now, I fear to talk about what I do know, because people might think I am some weirdo with… offbeat thoughts. Sometimes, my soul just feels tired…and trapped.
A “knowing.” I don’t want to appear conceited. As I said above, I’ve always felt like I’ve had this “knowing“. I honestly feel about a thousand years old sometimes. I am not trying to say I am intelligent or smarter than others. There are subjects that I actually don’t excel in! But when it comes to life. – It is simple. But people make life… difficult. This life in front of us is just part of a much larger picture. There is so much more to…this. And to clear things up, I am not trying to know what God knows in any way. I actually would not want to know all the things he knows. I honestly can’t see how he does all that he does every day. I am so glad that he is in charge! …and that I am not. But sometimes, people don’t make good use of their time or don’t take advantage of the gift that has been given to them. Some people’s view of life is so small, that they haven’t looked through the entire set of binoculars. They are only looking through one glass – instead of both. The things we do in life don’t just affect ourselves, it affects many people in the little world that we have built within our lives. We all are connected.
… Sometimes I feel lost…. This goes with trying to fit in. I feel like a stranger sometimes. I do feel at home when I am with nature-especially admiring sunsets and sunrises. There is something calming about those. I don’t feel lost with who I am- I just generally feel lost – like there’s somewhere else that I could be.
Being human is hard. While life can be magical, it is filled with many roller coaster rides of ups and downs. And there are times, I have to admit – my soul feels as if it wants to jump out and take a break from being human. Nobody ever told us life would be easy. We are all here on a journey to accomplish a mission or to do the plan that God intended for us to do…
I am done rambling…for now. If you made it this far without being weirded out by me or didn’t get bored – congratulations! I really hope I am not alone in all of these odd feelings that I have. If you are among those who have similar thoughts or feelings that I do, I would love your comments. It would be interesting to hear what others “takes” on life is …and what this whole “human experience” is all about
Ariana R. Cherry: Poet & Artist 