WAITING

Do you ever feel like…in the midst of silence….or relaxation…that you are waiting….Waiting on something …something to happen….or something to …end…

Of course- there is the waiting in line, waiting on the telephone…waiting on a friend…But there is that silent “waiting”…As the earth continues to spin, as night becomes day and day becomes night, we wait.

I feel like I am …waiting sometimes. I am not sure for what though. I am not quite sure what, but I have always felt like I could have a short life. I sure hope not and plan to be around for awhile – but I know that isn’t entirely my decision- only one person knows when that day will come. But even as a child, I wasn’t someone who had big dreams of weddings or families. Don’t get me wrong – I like little kids and I love family events and I love my family dearly. But there was a class in my high school where you would form together your own “Wedding Booklet.” That idea seemed foreign to me…. I didn’t take that class for that reason actually…While it is great to have relationships in life, family and friends – I wanted something deeper in life….relationships can indeed be deep and meaningful – but these “kite dreams,” – seemed…unnecessary to me. I used to watch those TLC wedding shows and thought that they were insane for spending huge amounts of money on weddings – after-all – they have the rest of their life ahead of them…waiting…to be experienced… Again….waiting.

I can sit in the stone of silence….and feel as if I am waiting…. My whole life I have felt like I am waiting for something – but I am just not sure what….as I grow older, that feeling intensifies…. Am I waiting for that deeper experience? Am I looking for a piece of ancient article for the meaning of life?… Am I waiting for that booming voice to talk to me and say…”yes, my child!…” ..What am I waiting for? In the mean-time, I will continue to live life the best I can and conqueror the trials and tribulations…. and wait… to see what is in store.

CHANGE

Isaiah 43:18-19

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

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I posted that scripture in our weekly church email where I work today … But it also has some meaning to me… I did a search in Google for scriptures about “trying new things,” and that is one of the verses that caught my attention…

Yet again, I have been diagnosed with another health issue ( I already have IBS, Diverticulitis, Asthma and Diabetes)… For over a month, I’ve had some pretty terrible back and side aches (flank pain) along with pretty frequent trips to the restroom. It felt like a bad UTI – but when I was tested – there was no bacteria. I was first told it was a bladder infection, on the way to the ER one day – I was told I had appendicitis and then after that, I was told I had cysts on my ovaries – But all of those diagnosis were WRONG- but I continued to be in pain. So I bugged my doctor some more until she finally said she couldn’t quite figure it out and referred me to a urologist…Just a couple days ago, I found out I have Interstitial Cystitis or “Painful Bladder Syndrome.” (you can find more information about it here).

I will be receiving treatments once a week for the next month and then I’ll have an evaluation after the month to see if I need continued treatments or just maintenance.Along with that, I also will need to change my diet. I have to cut out caffeine, a lot of fruits and some vegetables, spicy foods and basically – anything with acid. With IC, your bladder lining is inflamed and irritated – so basically all of these acids are irritating your bladder – which causes the pain and frequent urination.  While there is no cure, the symptoms can be treated – and sometimes, it can go away … (With proper changes to your diet and treatment)… It really depends on the severity of the disease…

… So I will be trying a new diet and a new way to eat…. As I have already done before with my IBS, diverticulitis and Diabetes…. I often ask myself why I have to keep dealing with all these little health issues along the way – but then I realize – my situation could be much worse… I am a very motivated person…and right now – I am very motivated to not be in pain… But sometimes I feel like I just keep being told…”you can’t eat this….you can’t eat that…and nope – I am sorry – that is good food – but you just can’t have it.”

Of course, there is much more to life than food – but it is a necessity for living…. I am just going to have to learn to eat more natural and homemade things, a lot of fish and chicken and drink a lot of water and milk…Thank goodness I can still have ice cream! (as long as it isn’t chocolate or has problematic fruits)…. 

So maybe this change in diet – can be a good thing – maybe I will feel better or even healthier…While I can remember how the old days used to be – I can travel through this “wilderness” and embrace a better and hopefully healthier, less painful life…

Sometimes – God brings new things to our life for the better…even if we may not like it – there usually is a reason for it – There is always a reason for everything in life… It might be stressful – but I was told by a friend – He never gives us more than we can handle – and well – I have dealt with my share of things in life – …. He must think I am pretty strong…I may not feel strong on some days…but I keep on this journey- wondering where it all is going to take me… 

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It has been a bit since I have posted to this particular blog series…I’ve been busy with life things: work, trying to relax, scheduling events to promote my book, finishing other poetry collections, creating postcards to sell in a nearby store ….and…trying to live in the present….that is what most PTSD survivors spend every day trying to do…and evidently – I have been somewhat successful.

At my most recent session with my counselor, she decided we could start moving our sessions to every other week instead of weekly – “Congratulations!” she says… I know this is a good thing but a part of me feels somewhat uncertain… She says it is kind of like graduation….and they try not to get clients to use counseling as a “habit.”…. So, honestly, yes, I am a little uncertain because it has been a pretty regular thing for quite awhile (although, there has been a few times, I went two weeks without a session – and I survived)… I need to learn this little thing called…”Faith.” I need to have “Faith” in myself again…Maybe this is where I learn it.

While I am busy trying to move on and make plans for the future, I can’t say that every day for me is a piece of cake… Silly me – Since I thought I was moving to do my sessions every other week now – maybe I was strong enough to look through old past photos…. Most people, when they leave a relationship -I notice how they remove those photos. Well I kept mine in my profile and in storage. Those memories are a part of me and a part of my life- even if I delete those photos – that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist….

I tried going back 9 or 10 years ago and looking through those memories and photos and it was very difficult….Deep down, I still sometimes blame myself for what happened and the break-down of our family and I am still searching for forgiveness… Maybe it is just that I need to forgive myself. But… I am not strong enough to take that trip down memory lane….not yet….But I am strong enough to deal with the “normal things” in life right now… Which is what my counselor told me I was doing… I am close to “normal”…But in my world – nothing is normal…. And I am definitely not “normal.” I thrive to be unique…always have….

So…for now… I will deal with the “normal things.” And see how I deal with this new schedule…Maybe it’s a good thing – I just need to have faith.

My new book, “Between Light and Darkness” is now available on Kindle for $3.99, Kindle Unlimited and in print for $9.99. It is a collection of my newest poems… A journey through the fog, into the light….

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Click here to check it out on Amazon. 

Within the depths of our mind, we are battling the duel of light and darkness, good and evil and love & hate. We strive for light, but then the dark clouds reveal their shadow and then they prevail.

Throughout life, we all encounter both darkness and light.Take a journey through these pages of poetry as you travel through the fog in search of that ray of light.

 

Ariana has created a small online shop featuring her current published books and postcards with her photography. You can purchase postcards for $2.00 each. Her books are priced anywhere from $6-$10.

If you are interested in purchasing a book from her, visit her shop at:

https://www.facebook.com/pg/ArianathePoet/shop/

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Recalling Home….

My beating heart yearns for a

place that it remembers as home.

 

Yet my mind, cannot recall its sacred destination…

My soul desires beauty and peace,

A place where love flows as free

as the calm waters of the ocean,

and harmonious music carries

through the cool wind breeze….

 

Somewhere beyond the depths of my aching heart,

and the many layers of my ancient soul,

I know there’s a secret stored somewhere deep inside…

A forbidden secret,

that only my burning heart, can retrieve

from the mysterious hidden door,

locked inside my wandering mind…

 

for one day…

So many light years away…

that familiar home, that my heart yearns for,

will set my spirit free…

 

  • Ariana R. Cherry 2017

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THE NEW WORLD PART 3

With a gentle laugh,

the man smiled at Nadia

as they found their way

down the long spiraling gold hall…

You don’t know recognize me,

do you my dear sweet, Nadia, do you?

 

Nadia blushed profusely…

She stared down at the sparkling moon shaped

precious stone and slowly shook her head no…

 

Sweet Nadia, you are so precious…

Do not be embarrassed, for everything is well…

Once your writer’s amnesia wears off,

there will be so much to tell,” the strange man replied.

 

After bit of a journey down what seemed to

be a never-ending hallway, the two entered

into a glorious yet peaceful bedroom..

fit for a queen of royalty…

 

A gold-trimmed canopy with draping silver cotton sheets,

cascading to the antique diamond tiled floor

sit in the center of the majestic room.

 

Splashes of colorful fluffy pillows scattered the bed

in a sea of blues, aquas and greens…

 

A chandelier of tinkling lights hang from the ceiling

In the corner, sit an oak writer’s desk with a large stack of spiral notebooks

and a pile of feathered quill writing pens….

 

Near a stained glass window with flowing transparent gold curtains,

stood an illuminated standing mirror…

Nadia went to stand in front of the mirror,

trying to remember who she was…

She traced the outline of her unfamiliar face in the mirror…

 

Again, the strange man came to stand next to her…

He patted her shoulder and lightly kissed her smooth skinned cheek…

 

Dear Nadia, do get some rest… I promise….you will remember…

She again, blushed from his ever so sincere sweetness…

He lead her to the bed to help her lay down,

then shut the door behind him as he walked out of the room…

 

Nadia stared above at the ceiling,

she now, comfortably rested in the queen-like gold-trimmed canopy…

Everything felt so surreal and dream-like…

Her eyes became so heavy as she found herself falling into a peaceful sleep…

 

Lightly in the background, whimsical music began to play,

as Nadia found herself dancing with the strange man,

She, dressed in an emerald green ballgown,

a glowing crown upon her head…

laughing with delight….

 

The strange man caressed her cheek,

kissing her sweetly upon her lips

running his strong hands through her hair…

 

Something began to feel so familiar…

So safe….

Serene….

….The strange man began to lean in to whisper in her ear…

Nadia…my sweet story-teller, you shall always be the love of my life…

 

ALEC!

 

Nadia rose up in her bed…

Finally, she remembered the strange man…

 

The love of her life….and her muse…