Life on Pause

Posted: August 16, 2015 in Life Events, Life on pause
Tags: , , , ,

PAUSE

You ever feel like your life was moving at a fine steady pace, and then- all of a sudden, it came to a screeching halt? I have. I’m there right now. For the past 12 years, I was employed at a community action agency, helping families with utilities, food and referring them to organizations if I couldn’t help them myself. I got up a few days out of the week, and went to the office and talked to people, enjoyed my job and never really grumbled much about it. I loved what I did. And then the Illinois budget happened and I was laid off. And now- I am on week two of not going to the office. I am doing my best to try to stay busy at least. I write stories for the Sullivan News Progress and work at my church one day a week,and provide updates on another church’s website and Facebook page. It keeps me somewhat busy. In the mean time, I’ve been busy setting up a new craft area, trying to catch up on reading, listing items on eBay, watching movies and hopefully getting time to spend with my daughter when she isn’t busy….

– And then- there’s that part of my life. Family.

Within the year, my life went through a total overhaul. I won’t go into the gritty details, as I find that it is nobody’s business. I also like to be a somewhat private person when it comes to my personal life. But I will say – I am not in the same place I was a year ago. I had to go off on my own and learn to live life again. I can’t even say I feel like the same person – or even feel like I am living in the same world. It is like I’ve walked out of my old life and into some new alternate reality and started all over again. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. IT has been an adjustment. In some ways, I feel like I am a college student-setting out on a new journey from square one. But I had some aspects of my life already set up for me – I have a daughter, I had a steady job and a home – until I got laid off – and now, I feel like my life is on pause.

I’ve always been a planner. I planned days ahead – weeks -even months! I loved to plan! And – now – I have to take each day at a time. I rarely plan days ahead… Recently someone told me, when I wake up, if this isn’t a good day – I will say – “Tomorrow will be better. ” I am trying out that motto.

I wish I could say I was completely at bliss. I am less stressed –yes. I no longer walk around on eggshells or worry about my safety. I am safe and feel better about myself. But I am worried about where my life is headed. I feel like someone put it on pause, and I am stopping to read the directions.

Those directions include working on a novel that I am writing, hoping I get my job back or find another one, getting to spend more time with my daughter as she gets to be a busy teenager, perhaps get a pet cat, meet and make more new friends and continue to write. I have plenty of goals, but yet, I still sit here, feeling like I am on pause- waiting for the play button to get pushed.

I don’t necessarily want to hit the rewind button – because that would mean living in the past, and hashing out painful memories. The only thing I can do now, is move forward. And someone else told me– I just needed to have faith. And I am trying really hard – to have faith and say – tomorrow will be better.

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